Why to Stop Saying ‘Good job’

It feels good to hear that you’re doing a good job.  Hearing praise makes us feel good, gives us a nice hit of dopamine, and can be very encouraging.  We all want our children to feel good and appreciated.  However, we often go about doing this the wrong way. 

Children need encouragement and validation, not praise.  In the words of Dan Hodgins, “they need adults who ask, 'Do you need more paper?' They need adults who say, 'I remember when you couldn’t do that' and adults who observe, 'Look how high you can kick.'”  When we give praise that simply says “good job” we teach children to look for that simple praise.  Alfie Kohn says that such praise “leads [children] to measure their worth in terms of what will lead us to smile and dole out some more approval.”

When the words we choose praise the children’s work, or validate the child’s efforts, children develop more resilience, more willingness to work hard, and exhibit more of a growth mindset later in life (e.g., Kelley et al., 2000; Henderlong and Lepper 2002; Gunderson et al., 2013; Gunderson et al., 2018a; Gunderson et al., 2018b, Lucca et al., 2019).  Henderlong and Lepper (2002) argue that when praise is seen as sincere, it is more likely to increase intrinsic motivation when it promotes autonomy, competence, self-efficacy, and conveys realistic standards and expectations.  It is also most effective when comparisons to other children are avoided, and when praise for easy tasks or that focus solely on ability are avoided.

In giving detailed information about the child’s effort and work that we appreciate, we also show that we are paying attention to them.  We validate their experience, their work, and their effort.  In turn, we teach them the skills to get them through when things are hard or challenging, and we can help them develop resilience for the future.

So what do I say?

• Praise the effort - “You worked really hard on that”, “I know you’ve been practicing, and now you can do it!”

• State what you observe - "I see you chose to use a lot of colors!"

• Ask questions - "What was the hardest part?  You used a lot of pink in your drawing!"

• Say nothing - it is ok to say nothing.  Often, we feel we have to say something, but sometimes it’s ok to say nothing.

• Turn it back on the child - "You look really proud of yourself, you should be proud of the work you put into that."

Further Reading on Praise vs Validation

https://parentingscience.com/effects-of-praise/

http://kindcocoamama.com/blog/praise-vs-validation

http://www.alfiekohn.org/article/five-reasons-stop-saying-good-job/

References

Gunderson EA, Gripshover SJ, Romero C, Dweck CS, Goldin-Meadow S, Levine SC. (2013) Parent praise to 1- to 3-year-olds predicts children’s motivational frameworks 5 years later. Child Dev. 84(5):1526-41.

Gunderson EA, Donnellan MB, Robins RW, Trzesniewski KH. (2018) The specificity of parenting effects: Differential relations of parent praise and criticism to children’s theories of intelligence and learning goals. J Exp Child Psychol. 173:116-135.

Gunderson EA, Sorhagen NS, Gripshover SJ, Dweck CS, Goldin-Meadow S, Levine SC. (2018) Parent praise to toddlers predicts fourth grade academic achievement via children’s incremental mindsets. Developmental Psychology. 54(3): 397-409

Henderlong J and Lepper MR. (2002) The effects of praise on children’s intrinsic motivation: A review and synthesis. Psychological Bulletin 128(5): 774-795.

Hodgins, D. J. (2012). Get Over It!: Relearning Guidance Practices. Wilderness Adventure Books. https://books.google.com/books?id=G0p-mwEACAAJ

Kelley SA, Brownell CA, and Campbell SB. (2000) Mastery motivation and self-evaluative affect in toddlers: longitudinal relations with maternal behavior. Child Development 71(4):1061-71.

Lucca K, Horton R, Sommerville JA. 2019. Keep trying!: Parental language predicts infants’ persistence. Cognition. 193:104025.